I mentioned to Steve last week that I wanted to find a job. I didn't think he'd take it to heart so fast, but told me to start looking. When he told me that, I lost it. I grabbed my sweet baby and held her tight and I just cried. I cried and cried. Shit, I am still crying. I am terrified of putting my baby in day care. I know I will have to one day, but at 4 months... it just seems too soon. I spend every day and every night with my baby. We have so much fun and I never miss a beat. I never miss a smile or a coo or a laugh or a shrill that she thinks is hilarious.
I dont want to work yet. Not because I am lazy. I actually enjoy working, making money, and providing for my family. If I got a job now, we could save some amount of money and eventually move out of Steve's parents house. Now dont get me wrong on this subject either. I am more than grateful for them letting us live here for free. I dont know what we would be doing without them.. HOWEVER, as a Mother, Id rather have my own house, my own food, my own everything that I have provided. But one thing that I have learned, is that you are not truly grown up, until you can swallow your pride and ask for help. That, I learned from Dad.
I know that when it finally IS time to take her to daycare, or a sitter, I am going to be a hot mess. I am one right now just thinking about it. Interacting with other kids her age and learning new things is what I would love for her. Yes, I know she'll get sick and bring home germies. But that'll happen at daycare, school, wherever. So that is something Ill have to come to terms with and deal with as it comes. From reading all of this I seem to be worrying about things that aren't happening yet, BUT, what kind of parent would I be if I didn't at least sort of plan for the future?
On a lighter note...
Just took her downstairs with me to make some grilled cheese. She loves to watch whoever is in the kitchen cooking. She watches your every move and will usually only talk to you if you arent paying attention to her. Now shes sleeping in her swing, even though it doesn't swing anymore. It was a hand me down (LOVE IT, so sad to see it go) from Kristina. Its 7 years old and we've all gotten great use out of it. But since she loves to swing so much, we're buying a new one this weekend. One that plugs into the wall. Not having to buy batteries would damn near pay for the swing! Steve and I were talking about it on the way home from the park yesterday. We'd take an old school crank up swing at this point. If it can swing for 10-15 minutes, Im good. She's asleep before those 15 minutes are up any ways.
I should do a little cleaning... I dont want to, who does right? But it has to be done.